Starting From The Bottom

Hey guys.  No, I am not dead.  I know my last blog post was in September of last year.  It came as a bit of a shock to me actually. Have I really been unmotivated for this long? As it turns out, indeed I have.

You see, losing motivation is something I’m sure we’ve all been through.  For whatever reason it may be – too tired, fear of not getting anywhere, being put down by others, the end of a relationship.  The list could go on.  Recently, someone encouraged me to get back out there and write something on my blog, to which my response was, “I can’t think of anything to write about, and no one cares anyway.”

Their suggestion? Write about why you stopped writing. Write for you.

So here goes.

I was a little on the drunk side of sober.  Possibly the more tired, red eyed and hungry side actually, if anything.  In any case, it was the winding down time of a night out.  You know, seated in a hard plastic kebab shop chair, head slumped into your hands.  Depressed because the night is over and tomorrow means uni lectures endured with a hangover.

I was waiting for a kebab which cost me the money otherwise intended for tomorrow’s coffee, when someone I knew approached me.  Now in the hazy memory of this, I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went.  But one thing resonated with me.  The thing that were to stick in my mind and cause me to question myself, my writing and my potential success.

It was something very simple.  One comment.  A question, actually. A sneering, mocking and derogatory tone of voice.  “How is your blog going?” followed by a laugh.  Now, I won’t name names.  But I will say, this person is someone I know who would do anything to follow their own dream.  Someone who, by all intents and purposes, started at ‘the bottom’ and has slowly worked a successful way up.  Now why would someone of this nature put me down in my quest to also do well?  It beats me.

Should this have bothered me? No.  But it did.  It made my heart sink.  And it got me questioning.

What is a blog even achieving? Do people think my posts are stupid? Do they even care? Are my posts a waste of time?  Who even reads it? Why am I putting so much effort into writing something for the internet, when anybody can write a blog? Why bother?

#anxiety101

And so, I gave up.  Pathetic, I know.  But I wonder how many of you can relate?  How many times has something that somebody else said or done influenced you?  Did you change something about yourself because of what someone else thought or said?  You’ve got to be lying if you say no.  And if you’re not – hands down to you, you must be an extremely strong person and I’m jealous.

It’s been almost 7 months since I even opened a new document to begin something for my blog.  7 months! I study writing, and in all honesty, I lost motivation for this passion.  I’ll be honest, even as I type this now I feel a bit ridiculous; writing about my own life as if people will actually care.  But hey, sometimes I write for me.  I guess that’s what I’m doing now.

I’m also writing for the people who have lost motivation in their lives.  Think about why it is you lost the motivation in the first place.

If it’s something external, tell it to bugger off! Do something for you, not for someone else.  And if it’s something internal, try to find a way to work through it.  Start a journal, listen to your favourite music, hell, have a glass of wine if you need to! Find something that makes you happy, and then force yourself to do the thing you’ve been putting off (maybe even for 7 months).

And so, what I’m basically saying to my kebab-shop commenter, in the politest way possible; is fuck you.

I would love to believe that I’m working for something that I want, and that it’s not pointless.  You can laugh and scoff at my blog and my writing all that you want.  I’m trying to get some of my writing out there for people who are interested.  I’m also writing for myself because I love it.

I’m starting from the bottom again.  And babe, I’ll see you at the top.