How To Be Eighteen (In 18 Steps)

  1. Do tequila shots.
  1. Wear snapbacks and say things like “swag” and “dope”.   If you don’t like snapbacks; a Nirvana or Ja Feel shirt will do.  You can also say “lol”, “yolo,” “fuck,” “tbh,” “tbt,” “fml”, “atm,” “dem feels” or all of the above.
  1. Judge everybody you see.  Girls, make faces at those girls who you think are hotter than you and whisper rude things to your friends.  Guys, size other guys up and pretend you’re about to get in a huge brawl but then back down at the last minute so that you look cool.
  1. Dance like a fucking idiot.  I’m talking throwing your hair back and forth, moving limbs ridiculously out of time from the beat and teaching people how to dougie.
  1. Go to every music festival that exists, but not before you get shredded and ripped and buy some clothes that really shouldn’t be classified as clothes.
  1. Upload at least two Instagram pictures a day; comment on some statuses on Facebook that you know are gonna stir shit and tag at least three of your mates in a dumb meme that has probably appeared in your newsfeed more than five times.
  1. Complain to the bouncer or the person checking your ID about how ugly your driver’s licence photo is.
  1. Claim you’re not a lightweight when everybody knows that you are.  Boast about how much alcohol you can drink in one sitting (like, four cups of vodka omg).
  1. Leave your uni assignments to the last minute and then complain about how you’re not gonna get it done in time and how stressful it is and how you can’t go out at all or do anything but be locked up in your lonely room with square eyes and seven cups of coffee.  You’re halfway there.
  1. Tell people you’re broke then go out three nights in a row and spend heaps of money on alcohol.
  1. Complain about having to vote and not knowing anything about politics.  Post about how awesome you are for voting for parties you know nothing about because they have a funny name,  then proceed to bitch about who is in parliament and what a shit job they’re doing.
  1. Get really worked up about things going on in the current media that have nothing to do with you.  Coz, you know, you gotta care about things n shit.
  1. Don’t let old people go before you when getting onto public transport and then sit next to them and listen to music through earphones super dooper loud.  Or better yet, sit at the back of the bus and make a ruckus.
  1. Smoke even though you learned all through school exactly what it does to your body including cancer and all the other horrible side effects.  Who cares about living, right? Just smoke another ciggy and look sick in front of your mates.
  1. Maccas run. Every weekend night.
  1. Go to the gym and post statuses about your gym days, progress photos, the shakes you drink, how you don’t eat food or how strict your diet is.  People will love you more if you do this.
  1. Get with as many people as you can and add them to your list and boast about it but then also keep some a secret and completely deny it.  Get with people you know you’ll regret getting with and then whinge about it.  Get with the really hot ones, too.  Get with them, their best friend and then their best friend and their sister and cousin and aunty twice removed.
  1. Accept the fact that our generation are disrespectful, technologically obsessed, think we are invincible and know everything.

For those of you who don’t understand satire –

Google Dictionary defines it as:

the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Please don’t take any of the above seriously.  I am simply trying to write something that is an entertaining, relatable and clearly a ridiculous comment on our generation and society.  Enjoy with a pinch of salt.

Love,

Eighteen year old me 🙂