First of all, never ever ever drink alcohol ever again. Ever. Your singing voice will get progressively louder and even more tone deaf. You will then proceed to conduct something that you would like to call dancing – but what really should be called: ward off as many predators as humanly possible. You will then wake up in the morning with no recollection of what you have done, embarrassing or otherwise, and will probably have a sickening stomach ache, or perhaps a very sore head.
If this does happen again, however, drink some Berocca and pray to god that it will save you. There are no promises though.
Make sure you put bandaid’s on your ankles tomorrow before you wear your new vans, otherwise your day will consist of the following:
– absolute agony when walking
– embarrassment because you start walking on your tippy toes, legs angled outwards and slightly squatting, in order to avoid the scraping of the shoe against the heel of your foot (people may even begin to stare at this point)
– bloody socks that used to be white but now make you look like you’ve been walking for miles (and also like you don’t own a washing machine…)
When you come home from somewhere and are feeling slightly peckish – slow down and have a good solid think about what you are going to eat from the fridge. If it looks like mince that your mother has made in preparation for a lasagna then: WARNING. DO NOT EAT. She will get very very angry and then it will result in a day of house cleaning. Never eat anything from the fridge that you find even slightly unusual, and you shall keep your head, your eardrums, your dignity, and save a hell of a lot of jokes about your stupidity in days to come.
Also on that note, don’t eat that Freddo. Put it down. Your hips, thighs and buttocks will thank you later.
Next time you are out shopping and you see a ring you like, make sure it is close to the right size before you put it on your finger. Otherwise, you will spend the next ten minutes panicking because you can’t get it off, pop your knuckle out, almost dislodge your finger from your hand, end up having to purchase the ring (which you didn’t even really like in the first place) and be forced to wear it forever. It may even begin to cut off your circulation, resulting in an extremely embarrassing visit to the hospital.
Before you run around the house in a frenzy looking for your glasses (because you really need them to look at that vine video that probably won’t even be that funny – but then again could very well be the best thing you’ve seen in your life), and before you yell at your family members so loud that you awake the spawn of Satan, make sure you pay a visit to a little place I like to call – the top of your head. I hear glasses like to chill there.
Pay very close attention to your mobile phone. It can play tricks on you. Sometimes, you think that you are texting the right person, having that intense convo about ‘that person who did something to someone that someone else got mad about and then the other person got annoyed and now they are the worst person ever’, but you are not. Sometimes, in some random act of misfortune, that text message that you have so thoughtfully constructed, will actually be sent to the person whom you are talking about, and not the one in which you intended to send it. If this happens, follow these steps.
- Get a shovel
- Dig yourself a nice big hole
- Just sit in it for a while
- Your work is done
Further, if you are sitting in a lecture at university, make sure your mobile is on silent. Here’s why. If your phone is on loud, the lecture is extremely boring, and there’s that one kid sitting at the front that just won’t stop butting in, you may decide to leave early. This is a bad decision. Somebody, somewhere, will sense that this is about to happen. You will stand, ready to leave, and that somebody will text you. It is then that 300 heads will turn your way. You will bow your head and pretend like it didn’t happen, then begin to walk out of the lecture theatre. It is at this point that whilst everybody is still looking at you, you will trip on the stairs. This will be followed by laughter and an extremely red face on your part. Proceed to get out of there; briskly. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.
Think before you speak. This may seem basic, but there are many instances where this lack of thinking can result in horrifying consequences. For example, don’t put your hand up to ask the teacher something, and end up blurting out the word “mum”
It can also cause the most awkward of situations with regards to conversation e.g.
“Hey how are you?”
“Yeah I’m good thanks, you?
“Great! You?” …
Or, even better, the classic
“Yeah good thanks”
And the crème de la crème of not thinking;
“So how’s your boyfriend/girlfriend?”
“We broke up yesterday”
Try to think, and escape the awkwardness while you still can!
Always eat your brocoli, do your chores, drink lots of water, take your vitamins, don’t stay up too late, love your family and treat people how you would like to be treated. And lastly, don’t forget to stand in front of the mirror and smile. If you can’t do that, pull an ugly face.
Life could be worse